


His Engagement

by WheezingPuppet



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Slow Burn, no beta we die like db cooper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:01:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29594571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WheezingPuppet/pseuds/WheezingPuppet
Summary: A few weeks after Ryan admitted that he wasn't happy in his relationship, he decided to propose to Mari. A pining Shane is left to support Ryan in his ill-fated engagement.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	His Engagement

**Author's Note:**

> For some plot points, this fic takes place at Buzzfeed and it is not during COVID. (Please wear your mask and socially distance!)
> 
> Also, this fandom doesn't have a lot of fic, so if you are looking for good ones, I have a bunch of completed ones bookmarked.
> 
> Let me know if you have any comments/feedback! :)

"Something just doesn't feel right with Mari," Ryan confessed, his face riddled with uncertainty.

Shane looked over to him; his eyes gently prompted him to elaborate.

Ryan and Shane sat at a dive bar near the office. It was 4 pm, so the pub's normal livelihood was drained down to their booth and another table across the dining area.

Shane asked Ryan to grab a drink with him, an unspoken agreement made that Ryan would explain what was consuming his thoughts. Ryan hadn't been turning to him to make quick jokes, his laugh didn't echo down the rows of desks, and he wasn't focusing on case files with the same enthusiasm.

Ryan took a swig of his beer, needing the liquid courage to continue.

"So, I love Mari - I do. I love being around her; I love how passionate she gets about things. Overall, I would be comfortable saying that I am happy in the relationship, but...something feels off - something is missing." Ryan summarized, almost like he was trying to convince himself of something. His eyes studied the wooden texture of the table the entire time. Ryan didn't feel confident enough to meet Shane's glance.

"It's just - when I imagine the future...she isn't the person I see. I do picture someone. I can envision them so vividly when I lose myself in thought, but when I try to process who it is, it's like my brain is hiding them." Ryan's words took Shane by surprise. He had no idea that Ryan was anything but happy with Mari. His heart sank at the worry that Ryan didn't feel comfortable telling him until now. He wondered how long Ryan had been re-examining his relationship.

Despite this, he couldn't stop the hope that bubbled up in his chest as Ryan spoke. Shane felt evil as he registered that he was feeling relieved; like there was a weight taken off of his shoulders. Shane had known for a while that he could never think of Ryan as just a friend. He tried for years to shut out the floating feeling he got around Ryan; attempted to stop the stolen glances from across the desks. Shane strived not to dream of what it would be like for those glances to be allowed. But he recognized that he wouldn't be anything more than a best friend - a co-host to Ryan. So, Shane assumed that role. He was there for him as much as he could and stored moments in the back of his mind.

Ryan continued after a moment, still hunching over his drink.

"I've also been getting not so subtle clues from Mari's friends that it's time that I propose, but I don't think that would make me happy - I don't think I would be sad, I just...don't know if I could feel fulfilled. I honestly don't know if it would be more selfish to leave or to stay. I do love her - I don't want to leave - I guess I don't know what I want anymore." Ryan's ramblings were unfiltered and unsure, but Shane listened intently. He deliberated on his words before saying anything. He knew that blatant honesty would just hurt Ryan more.

Shane prepared himself to help with a quiet sigh. He had to respond with actual advice, not with the undertones of persuasion for his own benefit.

"I think we both know that I can’t give you the answer - or at least the right one. You have to do what is best for you and fair to Mari. She deserves a relationship with a person who feels the same as she does. She deserves a partner who is equally in love with her as she is with them. If you think you can be that, then, by all means, stay with her. If you know that you can not, then - don't." Shane tried his best to reason. Shane had to brace himself for the next part, giving helpful advice.

"A lot of people have moments of doubt about their relationships. Take some time to think about it. In the end, you will know what the right decision is." Shane drank the remainder of his glass; the melting ice watered down the bourbon. Just after he set the cup down, the bartender walked past, slowing in his tracks. He pointed to the empty glass and asked:

"Another?" Shane looked to Ryan, silently asking him what his plan was.

"I think I should head home soon," Ryan answered, keeping his glance away from the bartender; as if hiding something from him - or the outside world. Shane turned back to the bartender:

"I think I'm fine, thanks."

The man nodded, turning to close out their tabs. Shane looked back at Ryan, softly empathized:

"I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful." Shane tried to read Ryan's face, but Ryan was staring down at his drink, eyes thoughtful. Shane could tell he wasn't going to say much more on his own. He tested the waters with a soft:

"So...what are you thinking?"

Swirling his drink to release some nervous energy, Ryan replied with an honest:

"I don't know. I'm mostly just feeling confused." Giving a humorless laugh, he met his eyes, but only for a moment. He seemingly focused on anything else.

"I just have a lot to think about," he added, mumbling his words.

The bartender returned with their final bills, Shane bought Ryan's drinks.

Upon opening the bar doors, the sounds of the city filled the air. They started to walk back to the office. The people and cars moving around them captured Shane's attention, but Ryan focused only on the internal battles his mind was fighting. They approached the last street corner before the parking lot when Shane felt Ryan's hand brush against his.

"Shane?" a defeated voice asked. Shane lightly guided Ryan out of the main path of the sidewalk.

"Yeah?" He responded carefully, keeping his voice soft. Ryan's brows furrowed, his eyes sunken in, and his voice helpless. For the first time in hours, Ryan maintained eye contact.

"Thank you for today," he immediately trailed off, still debating if he should add more. Ultimately, he decided not to. Ryan finished the sentiment with an unconvincing smile.

"Of course, that's what I'm here for," Shane responded, flashing an only slightly more convincing smile. They lingered for a moment, Shane searched Ryan's face for what to do next. Shane's mind filled with all of the emotions he didn't allow in the bar. This time, it was a lot harder to stop. His jealousy mixed with a hallowed feeling in his chest, leaving him to conceal everything from Ryan. Eventually, he nodded, and they continued walking. They said their goodbyes and got into their cars. Ryan drove off first, waving to Shane as he shifted into drive. Shane watched Ryan leave the parking lot. He released a breath he didn't know he was holding. Putting his head against the steering wheel, Shane reminded himself that he had to be a good friend - had to tell him the right thing to do. Being unhappy in a relationship didn't mean Ryan wanted to date Shane. The idea of being with Ryan had never felt closer and further away. The timing was still not right - it was still too late. He makes a pact with himself that he will never tell Ryan: they were too old for crushes and pining.

Shane drove home that night with his mind only focused on Ryan.

\--

Shane didn't hear anything more about it for weeks. He thought about it incessantly. Every time they talked sparked his flame of hope. Ryan seemed to be doing better, so Shane didn't bring it up. Shane figured that Ryan really was just overthinking - that he was happy in the relationship. The flash of optimism he felt in the bar made this thought even harder to endure.

It was a Sunday evening when Shane heard his phone ring with a Facetime call from Ryan. He was sitting on his couch with Obi. He paused the show playing to answer the phone. Treetops fill the top of the frame, and a tint of golden light cast over his video. Ryan saw that Shane accepted the call and adjusted the volume. Ryan raised his phone, and Mari entered the screen. Shane assumed they were on a walk. She moved even closer to Ryan and started to hold up her hand. Shane felt part of himself melt away as realization struck. Ryan took her hand and exclaimed

"We're engaged!"

Shane's heart stopped in his chest. His stomach turned. He tried to straighten his spine as if to brace himself for the next blow. Shane doesn't allow himself to process the news Ryan announced or how genuinely happy they both looked. He fought against every muscle and forced a smile. Shane ran only on instinct, what he would say if he meant any of it. The shock created a layer of separation from himself. The mild sting of numbness was all Shane felt.

"Oh my god! Congratulations!" Shane cheered, not sure how the words and enthusiasm were even happening. His smile felt uncomfortable as his muscles immediately grew sore from pretending. They chuckled on the other end of the line and looked at each other like they hung the stars. The look alone took something from Shane, the emptiness giving him a sick feeling. His hands began to shake, ever so slightly.

"Thanks, Shane!" Mari replied.

"So, tell me everything," Shane prompted, though wanting to hear none of the details.

"Well, as you know, Shane, I've had the ring for a while. I brought it along to our hike today on a whim, but I decided it was finally time!" Ryan explained to both of them. Smiling along with the story, Shane felt complicite in a crime. He didn't know that Ryan had a ring. Everything that Ryan said in the bar played through his head. Shane remembered the confusion that covered Ryan's face when he said he didn't feel comfortable doing exactly what he just did. This proposal wasn't fair to Mari - this wasn't fair to Ryan. Mari chuckled, a love soaked laugh that was giddy. She leaned in and kissed Ryan on the cheek, but he turned his head to catch her lips in a quick kiss. Shane somehow uddered an "aww." Disgust formed in his chest from the sight alone.

They wrapped up their phone call after many "congratulations."

Shane heard the Facetime end, the chimes popping the bubble he put around his emotions. The stillness of the apartment was the only thing to greet him. The ring of silence flooded his ears, and it became unbearable. Shane started to take down the walls that guarded his real emotions during the call. The quiet so potent, Shane was grateful the air vent kicked on. As if he knew Shane needed him, Obi jumped off the couch and walked into the other room. Shane stayed there, unable to move.

He couldn't believe Ryan did it. The word "propose" seemed like a curse, so Shane avoided it like the plague. He rested his head in his hands as he went through the stages of shock. He knew he made it through when quiet tears raced down his face. Shane didn't try to stop the images of them holding hands speed through his mind. He alternated between telling himself that Ryan was happy and reminding himself that Ryan was not - or shouldn't be - or wasn't. Confusion, envy, and sorrow weighed equally on his mind as tears turned to sobs. Ryan told Shane he wouldn't do it. What changed in a few weeks? Shane felt stupid for every part of hope that floated through him in that bar. The pain in his chest sharpened as he had more time to process what happened. Shane realized that Ryan called him first - out of all of Ryan's friends and family, out of Mari's loved ones. Shane couldn't decide if that made it feel better or hurt worse. Shane reached for the remote to turn off the TV. He needed some time out of his head and away from a world where Ryan was engaged.

Shane went to bed early, ignoring the time and the chores he should've done that night. At that moment, those things didn't matter.

\--

The time between waking up that next morning and remembering the call was all that Shane wanted to relive.This bliss of ignorance seemed so heavenly. But instead, images of Ryan's smile and how he looked at Mari tormented his mind. Shane reached for his phone; the clock displayed 4:07 am. Shane guessed he fell asleep around 7 pm, so there wasn't anything too surprising about the early time.

He climbed out of bed to make a cup of coffee. He leaned against the counter while waiting, losing himself in thought. His eyes stung, his head softly ached. He felt mildly hungover - the whole matter emotionally taxing. After pouring the coffee, he paddled out to the balcony. He sat down at the table, looking out to the city in front of him. The streets still had cars racing through, despite the sun not being fully risen. Pink and purple painted the clouds; morning dew filled the air. He wore gray joggers, a black zip-up, and a white T-shirt. The brisk temperature made Shane appreciate the warmth of his coffee mug. Under normal circumstances, Shane would have enjoyed the city view. But this wasn't the typical reason for sitting on the balcony. He leaned his head against the window behind him and fidgeted with his hands, just letting himself think.

In his mind, he replayed all the times Ryan came to him for protection in "haunted" places, how he looked for Shane's reaction when making a joke. Shane tried to explain away the heat in his chest. Eventually, Shane gave up - there was no point in denying it anymore. If Shane didn't have feelings for Ryan, he wouldn't be responding like this because Ryan got engaged.  
Shane audibly sighed and was reminded how stupid he was. Shane had known for years how he felt about Ryan. Shane knew when Ryan was still dating Helen - and post-break up. Shane was trying to give Ryan time to get over her before saying anything. He didn't get much relief from that excuse, or any of the hundreds of others that went through his head.

He lost his chance.

He thought about the million different things he would have done if he could go back - how many ways he could tell Ryan. But now, this was official.

Shane lost his chance. He repeated this phrase over and over - as he got ready for work, and through the drive as he prepared himself to see Ryan. No pain was spared any of the thousands of times it echoed through his brain.

When Shane got to work and put his stuff on the desk, he looked down the aisle to find Ryan talking to a small crowd of people. Ryan beamed as he swiped through pictures on his phone, no doubt telling everyone about the engagement. Shane thanked every lucky star that he didn't have to face Ryan yet. He walked in the opposite direction to the break room. He needed a coffee - or anything to take his mind away from Ryan. A wave of relief washed over Shane when the break room was vacant. He was grateful when he saw the coffee pot was empty; He would have more time to hide from Ryan. Shane tried to collect himself as he waited for the beans to brew. Seeing Ryan in person cemented that the proposal was real. Shane heard quiet footsteps enter, and Sara's sympathetic voice ask:

"I heard about Ryan. How are you doing?" Her eyes were concerned as she looked up at him. Shane never admitted how he felt to Sara, but he never questioned if she knew about his feelings.

"About as well as I can be," Shane reported. His response was about as true as it was false. Shane was almost surprised by his honesty. He didn't think he would ever acknowledge this to Sara with the amount of teasing she'd done. At that point, Shane couldn't convince her that he wasn't gone for Ryan and he really needed someone to talk to. Sara nodded empathetically. She was about to say more, but the sound of someone else walking in drew them out of their conversation. It was an intern, one that Shane meant to learn the name of, but never did. They fell silent for a moment. Shane noticed the coffee was done and started pouring some for Sara and him.

"Well, I'm always here to talk," Sara said, letting the conversation trail off. Shane nodded, giving the best fake smile he can muster. He mumbled a "thanks." They split up and went back to their desks. Ryan was still talking down the row. Shane opened his computer and started opening his editing. After a while, Ryan walked back to their desk block and plopped down next to him, bringing his high spirits from his conversation back to Shane. He almost cursed Ryan’s enthusiasm.

"Morning, big guy!" Ryan exclaimed as he got out his computer. Ryan was glowing. He had styled his hair perfectly, and he wore an outfit Shane knew he loved: an open, denim-like flannel with a white striped tee, black ripped jeans with black checkered Vans. He seemed ecstatic. His happiness combined to create the sharpest pain in Shane's chest. He did his best to match Ryan's energy, but even he knew it was off.

"Good morning, Ryan."

Ryan put his headphones around his neck and updated him on the schedule. Ryan had to work on a project with some other people at Buzzfeed for most of the day. Shane felt the weight of the world taken off his shoulders at that moment. He needed every possible second away from reality. Pretending to be happy was even more painful than planned.

"Hey, are you okay, man? You seem off today." Ryan checked in, catching on immediately that there was something wrong.

"Oh - yeah. I just didn't sleep well last night." Shane lied through his teeth. Ryan didn't look convinced but let it slide.

They turned to their computers, each editing their separate projects.

The rest of the morning was pretty quiet until Ryan left for the shoot. Every time they talked, Shane felt the wound get reopened. But more than anything, Shane felt tired; emotional exhaustion weighed heavy on his bones. He didn't ask about the engagement, despite it being the elephant in the room. Shane didn't have it in him. He wasn't prepared for the truth and definitely not ready for the lie. He watched the clock all day, seeing the seconds tick down. When the end of the required workday approached, Shane packed up his stuff. He left as soon as he could, way before Ryan could get back from the shoot. After racing home, he fed Obi and immediately collapsed in bed. Obi jumped up on the bed and cuddled into Shane's side.

About an hour after Shane left, Ryan sent a text.

"I didn't see you leave...we'll have to talk more tomorrow haha," Ryan and Shane always left at the same time, especially on shoot days. They would talk about filming and brainstorm ideas for editing as they gathered their stuff and walked out to their cars. Shane wondered if not knowing what they would have said was better or worse than suffering through any awkward or painful moments.

He read Ryan's text in the notification bar over and over, debating if he should respond. Ultimately, he decided not to. He stayed in bed for the rest of the night. His bones felt too heavy to get up, and his mind was moving too fast to sleep.

\--

The next morning, arriving at work felt just the same for Shane. Dread dragged him down, and he only hoped he could avoid Ryan as much as possible. When Shane unpacked his computer, he saw Ryan out of the corner of his eye. Before he could open his laptop, a coffee appeared in front of him. He looked and found Ryan was the one who gave it.

"Thanks, man," Shane verbalized. He tried to stop the butterflies soaring in his stomach, but he was met with much resistance.

"By the way, I should be at my desk most of the day today. The next thing I have to film this week is Unsolved on Friday." Ryan explained, most of his focus on his Google Calendar.

With everything going on, Shane did not process that Unsolved was this week. It was a supernatural episode where they would spend the night. Shane just hoped that by the time Friday rolled around, he could act normal around Ryan, but he was not too optimistic.

"I don't either, just editing," Shane informed. Uneasiness flooded him before he could stop it. Shane knew he shouldn't fear Ryan's presence. Ryan did not do anything wrong. Ryan decided that he was happy in his relationship, so he made it official. The only reason Shane was upset was that he wasn't the one who received the ring.

Regardless, the rest of the week until Friday was filled with much of the same, avoiding Ryan the best he could, claiming he was tired, and leaving before they could talk.

When Friday arrived, they left for their shoot around 4 pm. The location was about 2 hours away in a rural part of California. The house was quite elaborate. The master bedroom had a connecting balcony that faced a field that was once a lively farm. It was decorated in 1950s decor and spared no charm. But even by Ryan's standards, it wasn't haunted. Shane estimated that they would still have enough banter and almost-Ryan-freak-outs to fill an episode.

After the crew left, Shane took the bathroom first to do his nightly routine. Afterward, he laid down in his sleeping bag, scrolling on his phone while Ryan did his. From the bathroom, Shane heard Ryan brushing his teeth. As Ryan got ready for bed, days of not sleeping caught up to Shane. Still holding his phone in his hand, Shane let his eyes close. Without realizing it, he let sleep take him gladly.

\--

Shane woke up before he even processed that he fell asleep. The room was dark, and his phone was plugged into the wall a few feet away. When he turned to thank Ryan, he was met with an empty sleeping bag. Still groggy, Shane crawled out of his makeshift bed to look for him. It was only then that Shane heard the faint noise coming from the balcony, though he was too far away and too sleepy to make out what it was. He followed the sound and found Ryan in the corner of the balcony; his back turned from the house. He heard deep, shaky breathing that was trying to be silent, probably to let Shane sleep. As not to scare him, Shane announces his presence with a gentle

"Ryan?"

Ryan's shoulders tensed, he rubbed his face before he turned to Shane. Ryan nodded as a response, not trusting his voice. His eyes were wide, tears still filling them, but he made an attempt to hide it.

Anxiety kicked in, and he made his way to Ryan.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Shane was finally close enough to clearly see Ryan's face under the moonlight. The question broke down whatever was holding Ryan together. He could only shake his head no and slump his shoulders. Out of instinct, Shane wrapped his arms around Ryan, holding him as close as possible, not fearing the implications. Ryan finally let himself cry. His frame shook, wordless as he sobbed. Shane hugged him the entire time, drawing comforting patterns on his shoulders, swaying him in a small back and forth motion. Shane was glad that Ryan trusted him. The feeling was bittersweet as Shane felt the tears soak through his shirt. Ryan held onto Shane's shirt as if to keep him there. He wanted to assure Ryan that he wasn’t going anywhere, but the words were stopped in his throat. He had to just let him cry.

Shane knew almost immediately this was not about ghosts. When scared, Ryan would scream, never cry. The look on his face was not panic - it was remorse. Shane ventured that this was about the engagement. He didn't even process until then that Ryan could still feel the same way he did in the bar. Shane saw how happy Ryan was on Facetime and when talking to other coworkers about it, so he assumed it had to be real.

On top of the empathy Shane felt for Ryan because he was crying, his stomach dropped with guilt. He had been running from him all week. Even if Ryan tried to talk to him about this earlier, Shane probably wasn't there. This time, when hearing about the end of the engagement, hope didn't go through him. He had promised himself he would be the best friend that he could to Ryan - and he failed.

After some time, Ryan's crying turned to quiet tears, but he stayed in Shane's arms. When he started to take shaky breaths again, Shane guided his breathing with his own deep breaths.

"I really fucked this up," Ryan affirmed. Shane's prediction was confirmed with that statement.

"It's okay - you're going to be okay," Shane whispered in his hair, trying his best to soothe him as he started heaving again. Shane continued to draw circles on his shoulder. Ryan took a moment. He was clearly in a fragile state, teetering on the verge of tears.

"I shouldn't have proposed,” Ryan confessed, his voice still nasally from tears as he tried to hold more back. His own admission seemed to shock him when he heard it said out loud.

"I knew I shouldn't have, but I did." He still was trying to wrap his mind around it. Ryan's voice was steadier, but more upset with himself.

"Why did I do this? How could I do this?" Ryan asked himself. Staying in Shane's arms, Ryan picked his head off Shane's chest. His eyes studied the ground, hoping answers would appear, but they didn't.

"I told my mom and dad - I told Jake. Mari told her family and friends. I can't undo this - I can't do this to her." Ryan spiraled back into panic quickly. He buried his head back into Shane's chest as his breathing changed from crying to anxiety. Ryan gripped tightly onto Shane as if he was clinging to a time before this mess. Shane instinctively pulled him closer.

"I don't know what to do," Ryan conceded, his body softened and then melted into Shane. This time, however, there were no more tears, just uneven breathing. Shane held him for a while before he could respond, he was at a loss of words. Despite dreaming of him calling off the engagement, Shane was still at a loss for words. Empathy rang through Shane's chest and took away any advice he could give him. Shane felt guilt cancel out the joy he imagined he would feel. Ryan was suffering, and he wished for this.

Shane watched him for a second before he summarized:

"You aren't happy."

It was a realization that slipped through Shane’s lips. The night air caught up with him, goosebumps filled his arms. Ryan met eyes with Shane, silently pleading with him. He opened his mouth, trying to respond, but he just shook his head, almost scared of his honest answer. Shane took his glance away from Ryan, looking down as he nodded.

"Okay," Shane whispered as he gathered himself. He wanted to be gentle with Ryan, who was leaning on him both physically and mentally.

"We are going to figure this out. Let's get out of here first." Shane suggested - he knew that any fear of the paranormal would only make the situation worse. Ryan nodded, his eyes still wide, but for the first time in a while, when he took a deep breath, it's steady. Shane did his best to get them out of the circumstances, but he was fueled by fake confidence. Ryan went along with it, allowing Shane to guide him to the car and into the passenger seat. Once Ryan buckled his seatbelt, Shane asked:

"Will you be okay here if I pack up some things inside, or should I talk to Devon?" He asked with no judgment. Ryan nodded, ignoring the doubt in his mind. Shane promised to be fast while he closed the passenger door.

When he got inside, he organized the camera equipment while he called Devon. He told her that Ryan needed to get out of this location. He gave vague details, hoping she would assume it was because of ghosts. She promised to take care of everything from there, and that was all Shane needed to grab their bags and run back to the car. Once he put their stuff in the trunk, he climbed into the driver's seat. He was met with Ryan leaning against the inside of the door. Shane reached back to grab the spare blanket he kept in the back row of seats and handed it to Ryan.

"Just relax as much as you can." Shane tried to comfort. "I think it's best to go back to my place for tonight." He suggested, knowing if he dropped him off at his place, Ryan would have to face Mari. Ryan nodded slightly, giving his attention back to the view out the window. Shane turned on a classical radio station - it was the fastest way to get some calm music - and started to drive.

Ryan situated himself, finding a way to use the blanket to wrap around himself and bunch it up to rest his head on. If it was any other time, Shane would have made a joke about him being tiny. But he stayed quiet, wanting to give Ryan some time to think, not wanting to force him to talk.

They sat in comfortable silence. The night still encapsulated the buildings and trees they passed. Peaking over the horizon, a stripe of navy blended with the black of night as the sun started to rise. It was early in the morning, few drivers were awake to accompany them on the highway. As Shane turned off the freeway and waited at a light, he looked over to Ryan. He had let his eyes flutter close sometime since Shane had last looked over. Shane felt fondness fill his chest. He had to force his eyes to go back to the road. His lips fell into a smile as he made the turn onto his street.

Shane parked his car in his spot and collected both his and Ryan's phone and keys. He got out of the car, stuffed their things in his pockets, and walked around to the passenger side door.

He hunched down and put his hand on Ryan's shoulder, slightly shaking him awake.

"Ryan?" Shane woke Ryan quietly. Ryan's eyes opened, his eyelids drooped as he looked at Shane.

“We’re here. Are you okay to walk upstairs?” Shane whispered.

Ryan nodded and groggily moved to get out of the car. Once he was standing, Shane asked:

"Ready?" His voice was still muted to allow Ryan to wake up slowly. Ryan nodded, walking closer to Shane than he usually did. Shane's hand ghosted over the small of Ryan's back as he led him to his apartment. When they got into the elevator, Shane rested his back against the back wall. Ryan leaned against the wall as well, his right arm resting against Shane's left as he put his hand in his pocket. Ryan still seemed conflicted, but Shane could see that exhaustion was slowly wearing him down. The weight of Ryan’s arm against Shane's made his heart leap into his throat. The combination of fatigue and sudden bravery allowed Shane to permit these feelings.

Shane found himself savoring the touch, but knew that even when Ryan moved, the fuzzy feeling would linger. Shane's floor arrived all too soon. They had already done their nightly routines, so Shane walked Ryan straight to his bedroom. His apartment was dark, with the only light streaming through from the street lamp outside the window. Something about Ryan looked innocent in the dim light. His hair was fluffed and looked soft enough that Shane had to stop himself from running his hands through it.

"You get the bed tonight," Shane announced. Ryan immediately started climbing in, peeling back the layers of sheets. Shane thanked himself for cleaning up and making sure his bed was made before he left for the shoot.

"I'm going to go put eyes on Obi," Shane stated as he left the room. He walked into the kitchen, making sure that the friend who said they would stop by, actually fed Obi.  
As Shane grabbed two glasses and waited for them to fill with water, he planned how he would set up the couch. Before he got too far, Shane heard a quiet

"Shane?" come from his bedroom doorway.

"Yeah? Are you okay?" Worry jolted him from his state of exhaustion. Ryan nodded, leaning against the doorframe for support, fatigue catching up with him too.

"Don't worry about sleeping on the couch or anything - just come in here whenever you're done."

Despite himself, Shane went to assure him it was fine, but before he could, Ryan continued.

"I would actually prefer not to be alone tonight," he admitted, stopping Shane's rebuttal. Ryan broke eye contact, letting his eyes fall to his feet, as if he was ashamed to be asking. To distract himself, Ryan started tracing his palm.

"Oh," Shane started, accidentally letting his shock show, so he added a slight nod.

"Let me finish one thing, then I'll be right there." Ryan nodded and turned back into the room. Shane found Obi in the living room, then walked the glasses back into his bedroom. He put one water on Ryan's nightstand, then went around to his side to set down the other cup. Ryan was already under the covers. Shane climbed in, finding the most neutral placement he could - not too close or too far from him. Ryan turned on his side, facing him. Shane turned his head to meet his glance.

"I'm sorry I fucked up the shoot," Ryan apologized, remorse filling his already weak tone. Shane could only imagine how much Ryan was beating himself up over this. He knew that Ryan prioritized getting the perfect shot, proof, and banter for Unsolved. He saw Ryan's eyes glass over.

"Hey - everything is going to be okay," Shane started as he pushed his weight up onto his elbows. "With a little bit of editing, the audience won't even know we were supposed to stay the night. Right now, we need to just prioritize you," Shane comforted.

Ryan's eyes still filled with tears, he just nodded. A sigh escaped him,

"It doesn't feel like it is going to be alright. I'm stuck in this - I can't go back on this - especially this soon." He whispered, the truth seeming too unmanageable to say at full volume.

"I promise you can. I'm sure this is hard, but your family will understand."

"But what if Mari doesn't?" Ryan questioned, fear consuming him. Shane paused for a moment, not knowing the answer.

"You loved her. You saw something in her. You put enough faith into her for a relationship, so put some faith in her now. She will. And - even if she doesn't understand, you don't owe her anything more. It's going to be hard, but eventually, everything will be okay again."

Ryan released the tension in his muscles and flopped down into the bed again, defeated. A muffled "yeah," omitted from the pillow. They fell silent after that.

"Thank you, Shane. I really needed to get away," Ryan acknowledged, shifting again. Trying to stop all of the overly-fond responses, Shane nodded.

"Of course, you'd do the same for me." He hummed, kicking himself for still giving a cheesy reply. Sleep slowly caught up to Ryan. Not long after that, Shane heard Ryan's breathing even out. He looked over and saw Ryan's face relaxed with sleep. In that moment, Ryan was safe and calm. With that realization, Shane let himself drift off as well.

\--

Shane woke up the next morning snug underneath the covers as sunlight streamed in through the windows. The morning sun cast a warm tint through the air. As Shane woke up more, he noticed an extra weight on his chest. When he gazed down, he saw Ryan's hand planted on him. There was still space between them, but Ryan must have reached over in his sleep. Shane stayed still, not ready to wake up and lose the contact. He moved his head to look at Ryan.

Ryan's hair settled on his forehead, his lips parted slightly, his face unguarded. Shane savored the moment as much as he could, ignoring the problems of the engagement. He let his gaze linger on him. Shane felt the heat in his chest, his heart leaping, the butterflies soaring in his stomach. Shane relished Ryan’s touch, but stopped himself before he laced his fingers with Ryan's. Shane imagined what it would be like to wake up to Ryan every morning; waking up tangled in each other's arms, staying in bed talking for hours, ignoring everything outside of the duvet. Shane eventually turned his focus to the ceiling.

Though he tried to enjoy the moment, it felt bittersweet. This was the closest he would ever get to what he really wanted, and it still felt so far away.

He heard Ryan slowly shuffling awake, then a content yawn moments later. To Shane's surprise, Ryan left his hand draped over him, clearly not afraid of the implications. Shane built up some courage to acknowledge him. That alone, allowed the heat to refill Shane.

"Good morning," Shane whispered, his voice still hushed from sleep.

"'Morning,'' Ryan smiled, cuddling his head further into the pillow. His morning voice deep and raspy, Shane smiled to himself at the sound of it.

"What time is it?" Ryan mumbled sleepily. Shane checked his phone,

"1:30."

Ryan groaned, taking his hand away to rub his face. He then pulled the blanket over his shoulders.

"I probably need to go home," he stated, but didn’t make any effort to move.

"How about some coffee first?" Shane proposed, chuckling as Ryan closed his eyes again and nodded.

Shane pulled himself out of bed, the cold air meeting him as he left the blankets.

The kitchen was quiet, filled with only the hum of appliances. Something seemed brighter, more inviting about the space, but Shane couldn’t pin point what it was.

The atmosphere reminded Shane of Christmas morning as a child: an exciting, content, well-rested feeling.

He used Ryan's favorite coffee blend and fished through the cabinet to find a Jaws mug for him. He noticed Obi following closely behind as he strolled back into the bedroom with the coffees. Shane handed over a cup, and Ryan reluctantly got up to a seated position, still enveloped in blankets. He gave a quiet "thanks" and took a sip, then added a hum of approval. Obi jumped up on the bed, laying directly in front of Shane. They sat in comfortable silence, Shane pet Obi as they woke up slowly. After a moment of peace, he asked:

"Are you feeling any better - did you figure anything out?" Shane realized after the question left his lips that it killed the vibe of the easy-going morning. Ryan paused for a moment as he contemplated.

"I think I figured some stuff out, but I don't know..." He trailed off, the same confusion in his tone as he had in the bar a few weeks ago, it wasn’t panicked, just defeated.

Shane's stomach dropped as he remembered the harsh reality. He looked over at Ryan empathetically, not wanting to upset him but trying to talk about it.

"Did you figure out what wasn't right?" He urged, using Ryan's words from the bar. Ryan met his eyes and took a deep breath as he started to nod.

"I think so," he asserted, but lacked confidence. Shane took another sip of his coffee, but stayed quiet, not wanting to cross more lines than he already had.

Ryan lost himself in thought then, Shane turned back to petting Obi. Shane reminded himself that breaking up with Mari didn't mean the feelings were mutual. Ryan had just as many opportunities to act on any feelings as Shane did. The constant reminder of what could have happened echoed through his mind. He felt the all too familiar ache in his chest as these appeared. He wondered how long these feelings would linger. He wondered if he could ever fall out of love with Ryan.

They stayed like that for a while, both fighting separate wars in their minds. They finished their coffees around the same time. Shane extended his hand, offering to take Ryan's empty cup. Electricity sparked through his fingers as their fingers' brushed. Shane decided to take the extra time and wash their mugs, figuring Ryan needed time to think and be away from other people. Shane wandered back to Ryan after putting away their dishes. Ryan seemed more alert now, meeting eyes with Shane as he shuffled in the room, giving a soft smile. Ryan sighed,

"I should probably go now. Mari is probably getting worried."

Shane mumbled: "yeah," his stomach fell at the mention of her name. Ryan collected his stuff and tied his shoes.

They go down to Shane's car to get his suitcase. Despite Shane offering multiple times, Ryan insisted on getting an Uber, claiming he has done enough for him.

"If you are sure," Shane confirmed, still leaving the option out there as Ryan checked the app.

"Yes, mother, I'm sure," he joked. Shane scoffed and rolled his eyes. He intended to come off as annoyed, but fondness seeped through his actions.

"But seriously, Shane, thank you so much. I needed to get away from - everything, so this was really helpful."

"It was the least I could do. My place is always here if you need it," Shane assured him. Ryan smiled at that, and for the first time in weeks, the smile reached his eyes.

Ryan opened his arms and pulled Shane in. Using his height to his advantage, Shane surrounded him in a bear hug. Ryan rested his head on Shane's chest like the night before, Shane's head even with the top of his. Ryan's scent encompassed him. Shane waited for Ryan to be the one to pull away. His Uber turned into the lot soon after.

"Thanks again, Shane!" He called as he grabbed his luggage and went to put it in the car.

"Anytime, text me when you get home." Ryan gave a thumbs up and waved a final goodbye.

Shane watched the car drive away. He stayed, watching as the car disappeared down the street and out of sight.

Eventually, he took his bags out of the trunk of the car and locked it. Then Shane headed back up to his apartment, his chest longing for something as he stared at the elevator doors, feeling the cart ascend. All he could think of was a few hours ago when Ryan was there with him.

He opened the front door, immediately noticing the silence. The feeling of "home" was gone from before. He lugged his bag into his room and unpacked it. Shane made his bed again, Ryan's scent lingering in the sheets.

\--

The rest of Saturday and Sunday, Shane spent in his apartment. Shane and Ryan had off on Monday because of their shoot on Friday night. He finished up with his routines right away, so Monday was free. He texted Ryan Saturday evening, reminding him that he was there if he needed anything and again on Sunday to check-in, but Ryan didn't respond to either message. Around 8 pm on Sunday, Shane sat on his couch with their text thread pulled up, writing drafts of another text, only to delete it seconds later.

“Cheers” played on Shane's TV, but he couldn't stop his mind from drifting off to Ryan. Shane thought about how a week ago, he sat in the same spot on the couch and congratulated Ryan on the engagement he knew was ill-fated. He pondered if he would want someone to call him out if Shane did something like that - he wondered if Ryan did. He wondered if that was why Ryan called him first out of everybody to announce he proposed.

He tried to think logically, that Ryan would've shown signs if he was mad for not talking sooner. But it was hard watching someone Shane cared about be that hurt and confused, and not being able to ask him every question to try and help. Shane sat in this guilt for a while before he heard a knock on his door.

Shane stood up and walked over to open the door. When he looked through the peephole, he paused. The Ryan he saw on the other side had the same sunken face and sickly complexion as the other night. He opened the door, but before Shane could invite him in, he heard an uncertain

"I did it," escaping Ryan. Unlike the time before, there were no tears, no ramblings, just quiet introspection. After a moment, he looked up to Shane to gauge his reaction. Before they discussed anything more, Shane opened the door and said:

"here - come in." He guided Ryan to the kitchen, wordlessly grabbing Ryan's favorite beer that he kept in his fridge. Ryan accepted the bottle with a nod as a thank you. His eyes wide, and reflected his view to Shane. After opening, he took a swig, leaning against the countertop. He put the drink down next to him and turned back to Shane. Mirroring Ryan, Shane leaned back against the sink across from him.

Bluntly, Ryan resumed the conversation,

"I should have handled all of this better." His words were heartwrenching, but his demeanor had something frank about it. Ryan was taking responsibility, but he wasn't happy about it.

"I mean, you did the best you could to-"

"Well, my best isn't good enough," Ryan cut off, almost challenging Shane to respond, but not expecting it. Shane was a bit taken aback by Ryan's words. He had never seen Ryan acting anything like this before. His words were sharpened and pointed at Shane. In his shock, Shane pressed his lips together and stayed silent, letting him continue.

"It's never enough. You have no idea what it's like." Ryan over-annunciated his words as if to throw his hurt as Shane. But as much as Shane wanted to, he couldn't take away Ryan's pain.

"You haven't been in a relationship for years. College flings are not the same thing as an engagement," Ryan insulted, degrading all of Shane's advice. That was the final straw for Shane. He had spent years standing behind Ryan, supporting him whenever he could. He didn’t date anyone because he held out hope for Ryan. He was miserable for years watching Ryan happy and in love with other people, working harder on Ryan’s projects than his own, and trusting Ryan more than anyone else. Hurt blinded him as he argued back:

"And do you know why I haven't been in a relationship for years?" Ryan looked at him defensively, waiting for his answer. This sharp reaction was new for Shane; he was never one to be confrontational.

"You," Shane shot back, "I've been waiting for you." He let his words marinate for a moment. The years of supporting and waiting for Ryan suddenly feeling stupid.

"But you can't get your shit together. I've sat here waiting for you - wasting my own time - because I believed you would come to your senses and realize what is right in front of you. But you don't...and - I'm starting to think you never will." Shane took a shaky breath, "I wasted years of my life for you." The last syllable started the silence. The power behind his speech disintegrated as he spoke.

Shane crossed his arms and waited. His face fell as he realized what he just admitted. The rush of emotions faded, and Shane just admitted his feelings to Ryan - something he vowed to never do.

Ryan's eyes fell to the ground, his argument disappearing from his tongue. Shane clamped his eyes shut. Shane was kicking himself. He managed to fuck everything up in one slip.

Shane's worst fears were confirmed when he listened to Ryan's footsteps walking out of the kitchen, the air moving past Shane to follow Ryan out.

His eyes were still closed when he heard the front door close. Ryan didn't slam the door - he wasn't angry anymore, he just left. Shane sank to the floor.

The apartment rang with silence as Shane processed everything that just happened. Ryan yelled at him, and he fought back. Not only had they yelled at each other - Ryan left. Rejection and disappointment burned Shane. He said he would always be there for him, but now he was something for Ryan to run from.

Shane's back hurt, his eyes burned, his knees folded oddly from melting on the floor. He was alone, crying on the kitchen floor. He felt pathetic.

He debated on chasing after Ryan, but he didn't. It wasn't a movie - this wasn't romance. Shane wouldn't be chasing anything he ever had.

Until then, the rejection had been unspoken. The question of "what could've been" hurt but paled in comparison to finding the answer. "No" was now etched in stone.

He wondered what came next. Ryan deemed few things worthy of not fighting for - and now Shane was added to that list. His panic and insecurity made him question if the show would continue, or if he would talk to Ryan again or if any interactions would be normal. Shane thought back to an hour ago when things were normal.

Shane had never known someone as well as he knew Ryan, but even that wasn’t enough. He should have known that this would happen. He should have known not to. What Shane did know then is that he was only a co-worker to Ryan, someone who passes through his life but never gets too close. Shane was the stupid one for falling in love with him.

Shane tried to imagine a world where that could be the last time they talk. How from now on, Shane would be holding the memories of better time until even those got fuzzy. Shane cursed the world for how unfair it was. How someone could be so dependent on a person, and they can just walk out.

Shane sat in self-pity for hours. About three had passed when he finally got off the floor. Shane wasn't feeling better but wanted to get away from where it happened - away from the reminders of Ryan. His joints cracked when he stood, reminding him of just how human he was.

Upon standing, he saw the half-opened beer Ryan left. The small symbol reminded Shane of all of the good times now soured with rejection.

Shane found his way to the bathroom, rinsing his face under cold water. He didn't have it in him to properly wash his face. His bones weighed down by a hollow ache. He left the bathroom, heading to the couch. He needed to get ready for bed, but he couldn't manage it, so he went to lay down on the sofa instead.

He sat on the couch for a while, his mind blank - as if numbed by the overload of emotions. His brain entered a trance a step away from sleep, but a timid knock at the door broke him out of it.

Shane knew it was Ryan. For a second Shane was relieved that Ryan came back, but his brain quickly processed it wasn’t for anything more than damage control. Dread slowed his limbs as he walked over. Shane reached for the doorknob but paused before opening it. He didn't want to open the door - he didn't want to face Ryan. He wasn’t ready to have Ryan’s eyes stare up at him or feel the comfort he brought with his presence.

"Shane, please," Ryan pleaded weakly. He wasn’t ready for the rejection, but he knew it was inevitable. Knowing that Ryan could hear him through the door, Shane reluctantly opened it, just enough that he could stand between the door and the frame as if guarding his apartment against Ryan.

"Ryan - I can't do this right now. I- It's fine, I get it, I just -" Shane started, but Ryan cut him off when he heard where Shane was going with it.

"Please - just let me inside. We need to talk about this. If you want me to, I'll leave after, but we need to talk," Ryan persisted. Shane mustered up the courage to look at Ryan's face. It was clear he had been crying too. His eyes were red, and his voice still carried a broken tone.

Something in Shane shifted as he looked into Ryan’s glassed eyes. With a sigh, Shane gave in, stepping out of the way to let Ryan through. Ryan shuffled in just past Shane, who shifted hesitantly to face him, still not prepared to hear what Ryan had to say. He didn't want an apology or an explanation. He just wanted to bathe in self-pity until everything felt okay again, even if that had to be without Ryan.

Shane shut the door softly, closing out all the light from the hallway. The rest of his apartment was dark except for a lamp in the corner of the living room. It seeped over, and the warm glow illuminated part of Ryan's face. He looked soft in the light. He looked to Shane like he held the answers; it was a trust that Shane didn't know if he deserved.

They stood unnaturally far apart, both of their eyes examining the others'. Ryan opened his mouth, planning on saying something but still searching for the perfect words.

"It's you," Ryan admitted, his voice defeated. He let his eyes close as he sighed.

"It has always been you." Ryan's eyes flickered open and met Shane's again as he finished the statement.

Shane stayed quiet while he tried to absorb what Ryan confessed, searching the words to make sure Ryan couldn’t mean anything else.

Shane's eyes found the floor. Ryan took two steps forward, leaving them one pace apart.

"I'm in love with you." Ryan realized out loud.

"I know I have done a million different things to make you not believe me or return this, but...I love you."

Shane looked to Ryan's face. Ryan's expression pleaded with him to believe him, to say something.

All of the speeches Shane daydreamed about giving in this moment had disappeared from his brain. All the sentiments he wanted to respond with didn't fit.

All he could do was look at Ryan, how the light merged with the hope in his eyes as he stared back.

After a few moments of silence, Ryan's face fell. The optimism disintegrated, and he turned his gaze to the floor, pressed his lips together, and nodded, as if to say that he understands; as if understanding that Shane didn’t love him back.

Shane knew that he had to do something, and he didn't trust his words. So, Shane ignored the declarations he should have made and did what was natural.

Shane took the final step forward, closing the distance between them, and reached his hand up to Ryan's chin to gently guide him to look at Shane. He leaned in slowly, giving Ryan time to back away.

Once their lips met and Ryan realized, he went up to his tiptoes to match Shane's height.

Ryan's hands made their way to hold Shane's face while Shane settled his over the small of Ryan's back.

After a moment of searching, they fell into harmony.

The years of questions and longing finally answered as electricity sparked through Shane.

There was something so familiar, yet so new about the kiss. It was like finding a hidden chapter in a favorite book. Shane couldn't help but smile into Ryan's touch, and soon after, he felt Ryan do the same. A wave of relief washed over him. The years of heartache and restraint were forgotten, at least for that moment. All Shane could do was focus on Ryan.

Ryan tasted of his spearmint gum, salt from tears, and his favorite vanilla chapstick.

Ryan pulled away after a while, resting his forehead against Shane's.

"I love you too, Ryan." Shane answered, finally, observing Ryan's face like it was an artwork.

Ryan's eyes were still closed, and his hands dropped to rest on Shane's shoulders. If Ryan knew he was staring, he didn't call him out on it.

Ryan eventually relaxed back onto his heels, staying in Shane's embrace. He cuddled his body into Shane's, Shane rested his chin in Ryan's hair, soaking in the smell of his cologne and the soft, fluffy texture of his hair.

"Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. I was just stressed and - I don't know...." Ryan trailed off. Shane hushed him, acknowledging:

"It's okay, Ry. I shouldn't have responded like that either, I'm sorry too."

This time, it was Ryan's turn to draw small patterns on Shane's back.

"No, you were right. I didn't realize what I was missing. Now I do. I know this seems fast, but I need you to believe me - you were the person I was picturing when I think about my future." Ryan revealed.

Shane took a breath and met eyes with Ryan. After days of constant stress and almost-heartbreak, he just wanted to be with Ryan. So, smirking, he replied with:

"Well, I guess we're going to have to prove it."

Ryan took a beat, then responded with a laugh, then smiled as he got back up on his tiptoes to kiss Shane again, this time deeply.

Before either of them processed it, they found themselves stumbling into Shane's bedroom, unwilling to break the kiss.

\--

Shane woke up the next morning to a familiar golden tint encapsulating his bedroom.

As he started to wake up more, he felt a comforting weight cuddling him. He looked down to find Ryan, his skin warm against Shane's bare chest. Ryan's temperature only added to the heat that rushed through Shane.

Shane smiled as memories from the night before flashed through his mind. Shane ignored his old instincts to hide his affection for Ryan, allowing his hand to find its way to Ryan's hair. His fingers made gentle twirling motions through his roots, careful not to wake him.

Shane let himself soak in the moment, noticing how the sheets were soft under him, how perfectly Ryan fit cuddled against him.

Shane didn't know how much time had passed before he felt Ryan gently stirring awake. Ryan pulled himself even closer to Shane, readjusting his limbs after hours of sleep.

"Good morning," Shane smiled, watching Ryan's half-open eyes slowly flutter.

"G'Morning," Ryan answered sleepily.

"I love you," Ryan mumbled, meeting Shane's glance with a sleepy, love-soaked gaze.

"I love you, Ry." Shane let himself feel the floating sensation that came with hearing the new phrase.

"You're going to be my boyfriend now, right?" Ryan asked bluntly, still mostly asleep. Shane wheezed out a laugh.

"Well, if you're going to be that romantic all the time, how could I refuse?" He could feel Ryan smile against his chest.

Shane knew this felt right; he hoped Ryan did too.


End file.
